Random blerb

I’ve noticed that at times people will say things like “Do you think they know what they’re doing?”

And I wonder to myself, “How could they not?”

Then I remember not everyone is as self-conscious as I am.

Which I suppose is a blessing and a curse.

It is a blessing in that I am fully aware (most of the time) of the things that I do, so there will be less cognitive dissonance of “What the fuck am I doing.” Though I seem to be slipping recently in certain things.

But it is very much more so a curse. In fact, I find it almost crippling at times. Wondering what people think of me, of what I’m doing, totally aware of every action, every awkward movement. Feeling afraid to even breathe or meet someone’s eye. To speak for fear of embarrassing myself or accidentally offending someone.

I suppose some of this anxiety is just partly born from social pressures and social norms. And then another part is mainly born out of just being alone and teased when I was little.

And it stops me from making friends, thus causing me to draw further into my shell and compounding my fears that I will never meet anyone who can accept me for who I am. (Though if I can’t even accept myself for who I am, how can I expect anyone else to?) And in the end it turns into a positive feedback loop.

And I’m so very afraid, one day I’ll be completely alone, having driven everyone I know away.